Game of What If - Zuko Gen

Game of What If
By: (Yami) White Rain
Disclaimer: I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender
Summary: Zuko measures his pain with the people he loves and the people he could have loved. He measures his strength with his pain. One more to the list is another spark to his fire.


“I hate you,” Lee had said and it had hurt.

Zuko knew he shouldn’t have meant a damn thing. Lee was just some stupid kid he hardly knew.

But Zuko kept thinking about that night in which he’d taught Lee how to use his swords. How he he’d grinned at him and said that Zuko would have liked his brother.

And at that night, he had foolishly thought about staying. He’d learn how to use those hammers right. He’d watched as she cooked. And he’d teach Lee how to really fight.

He didn’t have a nightmare that night.

-

“Never give up without a fight.”

That night, he lay under a tree and looked at the knife uncle had given him. His uncle had taught him many things, or had tried to.

Sometimes Zuko wished he’d listened more to him, because he knew his uncle had much wisdom to give.

He’s taught Zuko how to really fight, much better then anyone had, he taught Zuko what honor meant, he’d taught Zuko what suffering really meant, and what’s most, he was there for Zuko.

Zuko sometimes wanted to hate him for that, because it should have been father who'd done that. Instead, he just had a scar that reminded him of his shame.

But Zuko usually loved his uncle.

-

The night after his mother had died; father came into Zuko’s room. He lied down next to him and gently set on hand on the small of Zuko’s back.

“It was the right thing to do,” father said.

Zuko was trying not to cry and he’d clenched his fists around his blankets and was pressing his body into his father’s because he feared he’d never get a chance to be held again.

“It was,” father said more firmly and grabbed Zuko’s chin and lifted his head up. “Zuko, cry for me.”

Zuko did and his father buried Zuko’s head in his neck.

It was the only time his father held him and the last time Zuko ever heard his father say his name.

-

Zuko remembered a time he didn’t resent Azula so much. It was before they’d started training, when Azula proved to be better at everything then Zuko.

They’d play with dolls together, because Zuko was ashamed of liking it, and Azula always hated to play with them but liked to make Zuko happy.

Or at least, that’s what Zuko thinks. She could have been a liar who loved to toy with Zuko’s emotions since day one.

Zuko doesn’t think about it much because Azula is a liar, and that cuts through his heart and makes him angry. But, at least she loved him before the fire took over her heart. Zuko doesn’t want to know how he’d feel if she’d never loved him.

Because he hates that he still loves her and wants more then anything to go home and stay beside her.

-

Few things ever came easy to Zuko, about the only thing he had was drive to keep trying. To keep getting up, no matter how much he fell.

Well, Zuko wasn’t born with that.

His mother taught him how to do that. She lighted the fire in his spirit and taught him how to keep it burning before uncle was there to use it.

It hurts to think about her and that’s why Zuko figures she’s always on his mind. Pain has only made him stronger, and it always will.

-

Aang had wondered if they could be friends once.

Katara’s water burned nearly as much as his fire.

Sometime he saw himself with Sokka – a self he could have been.

Zuko had added them to his ‘what ifs’ a long time ago and he thinks about them as nearly as much as he thinks about his family.

He added Lee and his family to the list as well. The list was heavy and it made him tired.

But it also gave him strength and he’d need all that he could get.